10 Steps Towards Self-Realization

10 Steps Towards Self-Realization

  1. Stop aiming to fit in and to meet other people`s expectations
  2. Don`t follow other people`s Life Rules
  3. Become conscious of both your elevating & limiting Beliefs and how they affect your choices & behavior
  4. Question and upgrade those Beliefs which are limiting you.
  5. Make new Choices
  6. Operate from a State of Happiness instead of waiting for Happiness to appear as something from the outside
  7. Practice gratitude, forgiveness and giving
  8. Create the next best Vision of who you truly are
  9. Don`t let Opinions affect your Vision (You are enough)
  10. Embrace confidence

And remember

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

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Choose you and decide what you don`t want

Choose You And Decide What You Don`t Want

It needs nothing and no one outside of yourself, to have your greatest dreams come true, hear me here!

It`s relatable if you might be refusing to take this from someone you perceive to have always been accomplished. For some of us it`s irritable to seek direction from someone who seems to have never battled the dark side. We need to see the battle wounds to feel the connection.

If that`s your case, you might really want to consider taking it from me.

Because you know my story, you know my background – all the pieces of my broken heart are here in this Blog for you to pick up – starting with Great good-byes to “friends”… the last post to my Facebook Profile before entering Witness Protection.

And also you know, that still against all odds, today at the age of 36 I got nothing missing and more than I wished for.

Things I couldn`t even imagine.

So, if I say it needs nothing outside of you, this is credible. Been there, done that.

And I`m not willing to keep my experiences to myself, because it was never my goal to become better than others – rather it has always been my goal to do the impossible, gather the tools which work and pass them on.

So, I`m asking you from my heart today – not to step out of your comfort zone or to attempt your first miracle – but to make a decision:

Choose You!

This is the first move. It`s of great matter that you want yourself and that you want yourself to experience the better which still might be something unknown.

So we start with your now because that is what you do know.

The second move is to decide and speak what you don`t want. You do not have to speak your truth to anyone, but you have to speak it for you to hear it.

Say “I don`t want to be the Idiot for my family to pick on!” – “I don`t want to be the doormat for my colleagues to step on!” or “I don`t want to be super successful without someone to come home to!”. “I don`t want to be sad!” – “I don`t want to be lonely! – “I do not want to be shy!”

Whatever, just say it – because this is something you are definitely aware of. That`s nothing you still need to dig out of the dark and secret depths of yourself.

The digging comes later. Digging can be exhausting. But saying what you know is easy.

I`m not here to make things hard for you.

Stick with those two moves and repeat them over the next seven days. Dance!


Do you like dancing? Let me know in the comments or on my FB Page if you feel like it.

„The Ninja on my Couch“

The Ninja On My Couch – Announcement

In Addition to the Publication of my first Book “The Ninja on my Couch” this Fall/Winter 2019, I am very happy and excited to give everyone a little Sneak-Peak, sharing the contained Introduction.

For everyone not knowing what the whole thing is about:

>>Sandra Asani is the Blogger “Myselfcustomized” and Author of the upcoming Title “The Ninja on my Couch” – a startling Biography depicting her Life over the Period of several Years, living with her Brother – a sociopathic Maniac and Murderer – who did not only attempt to condition her via physical and mental Torture but has also monitored and decided every possible Aspect about her personal and social Life. In this upcoming Title she doesn`t only share her horrific Experiences but also gives great Insight on how she managed to resist her Brother`s attempted Interferences with her Mind and how in all of this obvious Darkness she always found a Light.<<

Introduction

You know what, I`m an incredibly peaceful Person and I have great Patience for almost every thing, but there are two things which are regularly throwing me out of line:

The First is when someone says: „But you are so strong and I am not, so I simply CANNOT DO what you do“ and the second thing is when others are clinging on to their perception “that something which has always been cannot be changed.”

Simply because those two claims are as far from truth as can be and because these beliefs are everything which are preventing people from succeeding.

I may be strong now and may sometimes even appear blunt with my big mouth, but this is what resulted from suffering a thousand heartbreaks and it’s hurtful for me to be perceived as if I were granted my achievements without efforts.

Like: Please don’t ignore my wounds simply because they are not bleeding anymore.

That`s why I would like to share here what I used to be:

I was rejected emotionally by my own Mother the Moment I was born a Female and I remained always treated by her like a Failure. A Punishment. For her I could never be nor do Anything „right“.

I was a physically assaulted Child. My father would beat me so hard whenever Life would stress him out and so I remained regularly with my tiny Body covered in black and purpelish Bruises.

I was constantly having a hard Time making Friends and once I would finally get to have One, something in their Life would occur which would cause them to Move to a different City or Country – leaving them not being available to me anymore. So I was mainly alone with my Thoughts and my Feelings until I went to Middle School and again after.

I was Homeless before even finishing High School, thus have not been granted any desireable educational Degree.

I had agreed to be sold into an arranged Marriage in which I ended up being insulted, disrespected, assaulted and even starving.

I lost Everything/Everyone I have ever known, entering Witness Protection after which is being shared in this Book.

My mother committed suicide and I was blamed for it.

I was divorced twice before I was Thirty.

I was a single Mother, working two Jobs simultaniously cleaning ICU`s and Offices.

I was threatened and stalked by Male Co-Workers and Superiors in different Jobs, several Times.

I was battling Anxiety and Depression the major time of my Life.

But I am living a different reality now, because I could never accept this as all there could be. Which is why I was always trying to make sense of those experiences and finding myself within.

I built a Workers Council leading it as the Chairwoman, giving almost 500 People a Voice and granting their legal Rights!

I literally became my Boss´s Boss over Night!

I have two beautiful, empathetic and incredibly smart Children – 15 and 2 Years old.

My Son is attending High School and the current Representative of his Class.

I am happily married to THE kindest, most patient and supportive Man I have ever encountered in Life, which is not only all of the previously mentioned but also a super successful Senior Photographer working for a (specific national) No. 1 Social Media Agency.

I am a published Writer as you`re reading my first Book right now.

And on Top of that again I am a Life Coach & Therapist – supporting Others who are willing to overcome and heal Things (false beliefs & Perceptions) which have so far prevented them from living up to their fullest Potential.

So let me say this:

No, I have not ALWAYS BEEN this strong, selfconfident Person I appear to be NOW.

And yes, you might perceive Yourself as a helpless, sensitive, unaccomplished Individual at this Moment in time (which really is nothing but a Location) but you should know that even while you are this, you perfectly and ultimately already have Everything you need, to move yourself from HERE to wherever you intend to be.

Seriously, please just look back to the Above. This is Reality I am sharing here with YOU. This really has been. And no, I am not any different than YOU. I have no extra-ordinary Cells altering the Chemistry of my Physicality. No Alien-DNA. No Super Powers. Actually YOU are THE ONE with the Advantage, because you got this Book and I did not have Anyone to share an experience which I was unable to imagine back then.

And by the way not only this Book, but also others which are going to follow, for as you can see there`s a lot of Experiences and Insights which have led to my Development, to share.

You will see there was so much Pain, Horror, Sadness – so much Force working against me – so much Oppression, Assault and Ignorance but also you will find there was always Joy, Happiness, Strength, Certainty, Hope and Fun in between everything.

And I know, it literally sucks balls to have someone come up and so easily say: „Eh, you do not have to be a Victim, you know?“ Because currently you might be a Victim, for as a matter of Fact you have been hurt and you do feel certain Pain, right? You are not the One who chose to be hurt, right? This which you feel was someone else who put this onto you. – I am perfectly relating to this.

But what, if there really are Tools, which you do not yet even know about, which have the magical Function of shielding you from all possible Evil? What if there is really just one Thing needing Adjustment to improve and transform your whole Life`s Experience? What if you could really be happy and calm and would never have to worry about Anything anymore?

These, my Experiences shared in this Book contain only the first Tool and Guidance of where to look and find Everything you need to succeed on your personal Quest of finding the Love of Your Life: YOURSELF.

Don`t be afraid! That`s the most important thing I can say. There IS NOTHING to fear. Never. At no Time. Not here and not there and not anywhere. For you are now and you will always be. You will never NOT BE.

Grasp this.

And for those who have just come here for Entertainment: Enjoy the Show. If you are only here to satisfy your Curiosity about the Ninja on my Couch, simply stick to the Report of Events. Because this Book is written in two different Fonts and can be read in multiple ways:

Sections written in this Font contain mainly the Report of Events and only very limited Expressions of my Thinking about it.

Sections written in this Font contain parts of my Perception and Conclusions I have till now come up with. Let`s call it my „Philosophy“ if you want.

Anyway, no matter how you decide to read this: You are awesome! Let`s just have some fun!

Never coming to an end

Alright, I know it’s been forever since my last post but that’s just me. A lotta things have happened for sure and so let’s just give it a try to fill the blank space and move ahead. Maybe – just maybe, this will be kinda helpful for me too.

I got kinda stuck in myself again. Somehow this shit happens in some five or up to ten year cycle, at least due to my observation. It’s this bipolar thing you know. We will not simply gain happiness and stick to it. Instead, once we got to reach the highest peak of satisfaction and happiness we somehow manage to destroy all of it with just this incredible power of our sick minds. (You know I say we because simply I can”t be the only one doing this, that would seriously be super horrible.)

Anyway, 2015 was an incredible year people. I accomplished building a workers council at work, became the Chairwoman  of it, had my very own super awesome office which really was more than an apartment for work with three rooms all to myself, a kitchen and private bathroom. I ran this shit like I was made for it. The CEO and everyone in management hated me but couldn’t do anything about my requests. I made a lot of people happy helping with their issues and received a good salary for being my own boss. Seriously I went from the bottom to the top.

That’s when I started the “10 Things To Do As A Bipolar To Have Shit Work Out” posts, because I thought I finally got control over all of it but we all know I didn’t even get to complete the whole thing and simply vanished at some point.

This was because I had a huge meltdown. Things got so rapidly out of control, my whole system simply shut down. Long story short: One of my council colleagues clearly lost his mind over me. That guy was 63 years old and a great support during the whole elections period and establishment of the council. A fighter for the cause. But he got obsessed with me really quickly. Whoever I would talk to, he would suspect me or them of sexual or whatever improper intentions and run around the facility raging about whatever he was imagining and causing huge damage to not only my reputation, but clearly my work too. He tried to isolate me from others to claim my presence for himself. He became my shadow, much to the amusement of co-workers and council members because it was just too obvious this old guy had grown an obsession. I was even warned by several people in the very beginning of this but assured them that I am aware of the situation and that I would know how to handle this.

My ass. At first it worked well to remind him of his delusions. I would just have to talk everything through with him to get him back on the ground, but with more time passing it has only gotten worse. In the end I would even receive late night calls from him out of a bar, telling me how he cannot “read me” or “foresee my upcoming steps” and how that would make him deeply hate me sometimes but admire me in the same time. He expressed his fascination for my character and mind, constantly asking how come I know the things I know. Wondering about my education, my mindset, my opinion, everything.

He told me how he would keep thinking about me constantly, trying to analyze me in whole and going insane on his inability to do so. That’s creepy isn’t it? I don’t wanna be observed and analyzed by anyone like a freaking lab rat or some kind of alien. This is sick people. Especially if you’re being told about it and even blamed for being such a mystery. (Mystery! That’s a quote here!)

Do you know what it does to a destabilized mind, who has already encountered oppression and abuse several times prior in life? It shuts it fucking down. You know about my mother, my abusive first husband and being held captive by my psychopath brother. I have escaped from all of that and thought I had successfully moved ahead, living a self-determined life with my son, awesome job and a place to live in peace just to find myself again facing one of those obsessive possessive motherfuckers trying to put me in a box.

This is where I finally broke. I reached my limit. It was like button switched in my brain which I had forever been guarding surrounded by the people who were destroying me. Maybe I was feeling too save and unprepared for another one of that kind after everything, I don’t know. I just lost.

So, I broke down completely. At first I just ran away from everything. I would call in sick for 3 weeks, curled up on the couch and not move for a week. My son thought I was physically sick in a way I’m about to die because that’s what I suddenly really looked like. No one can imagine this. There was so much anxiety which I couldn’t really identify, it had me paralyzed. And you know my opinion about mind altering medication – I despise them because they can make people kill themselves – but this time I was all up for it.

I got to see several psychiatrists – so called professionals who after being flooded with my traumas, couldn’t do anything but send me to yet other colleagues, simply because they figured there is too much trauma which would need intense therapy they could not provide. It was a pain in the ass. I mean I got a lot of compliments for my “incredible rationality” concerning the damages I experienced and there was real fascination for my case, but after several attempts with always the same result (not getting help), I went to one of those psychiatrists who would just prescribe something I considered suitable after a conversation of about 10 Minutes – something to kill my anxiety.

Wrong decision. Those meds change the chemistry in your brain and start with a major headache you have to endure for the first 10-21 days of consumption. Great. I took them for ten days and then wrote ’em off. I figured in order to feel better I should rather change my situation to make an end to those fears which kept controlling me.

In a meeting with the CEO I explained the situation, much to his amusement because he hated me for my integrity as the Chairwoman of the council, but still managed to benefit from his hatred and intention to get rid of me. After only 20 Minutes I left his office and this company for good with a nice deal in my pocket, granting me full payment for the next 6 months with exemption from presence.

Awesome! Trust me, I didn’t shed a single tear for this job. I started the whole council with exactly two goals: To improve the conditions for my people and to piss the CEO off so he would pay me to leave. Mission accomplished.

Being exempted from work and still being employed for a while, gave me exactly the amount of freedom needed to also accomplish my private goals: Going to Egypt to get married to my fiance and starting my own beautiful family. Taking care of the things which really matter…

 

 

 

Letter to Love

Dear Love,

let me say this: I know it is painful for you to see me struggle. I know you hate those who have hurt me and it’s hard for you to understand how could they do. But don’t feel like you have to fix everything they have broken. This is not your job.

I have learned to live with these wounds and there is no hate I feel for them. Please don’t you hate them in my place.

I have learned that people harm each other without bad intention. We all look at life from a different position. It’s all about perception. We all fight our demons, and those who have caused me to feel pain and may have harmed me, did so because of what they have been facing their very selves. They didn’t see the sunset like I do, nor did they experience things like I did, simply because they experienced life as different figures in different books.

When you look at me, I know you see something vulnerable and beautiful and you are wondering how could anyone dare to harm this thing. But those may have seen me as something threatening and horrible. Like those who remain in darkness turn blind when exposed to light. While those living in broad daylight can’t see anything but darkness glimpsing at a cave.

We are all prisoners of our perception and the walls of our prisons are build out of everything we have no knowledge about.

So, I know you see me wounded and are hurt by my sadness. But this is something I wear like my skin. I do not want to display my scars and rub everything bad I had experienced in your face, because I know you think I come to have you fix my cracks and heal my wounds. But you are not a healer or a mechanic.

The scars are a part of me which I cannot always cover. And this sadness is me, like that laugh you love.

When I say you are my medicine, I don’t mean you cure everything which has already been done. Rather you are like a vitamine.

Every step I take outside they are beating and stabbing me, sure. But I’m a vital organism, sweetheart. God provided me with health and strength and I’m not leaving too much blood.

I have come so far without a protector to join my side and screen me with his shield. My Love, I did not approach you looking for a warrior. You are my home which I love to return to in pride. You are my comfort AFTER a hard day. I love your arms because you are warm and your skin is soft. I find rest curling up right next to you, with your heartbeat so calm and beautiful after all that horrible noise of the day. I love talking to you for the sake of sharing not for you to present the solution. And I very well love to hear about every of your own fights, because this assures me about that struggle is life and that I am in company of another concious being. Please don’t keep your worries from me in order to create an illusion of positivity or to simulate some utopic environment of peace. You are my peace with all your worries and needs because this is what makes you an equal human being.

My love, you are perfect for me like I am perfect for you with all my flaws. Please don’t care too much, because if you do it wrong – I will become your harm.

It’s nothing wrong about fucking things up every once in a while

So, I fucked up the 10 things to do as a Bipolar to have shit work out – for now. But I’m gonna get back to it, promise.

Currently I’m not in happy butterfly mode. Too be honest I’m in Far-far-away-from-that-world. But let’s hack it into the keyboard one after another.

As I haven’t made it a secret it should be known I escaped the most bizzare episode of my life only three and half years ago, running from my brother and mother and one abusive relationship into the next one.

I left my mentally disordered brother in jail, put my mother in hell and found refuge in victims security just to get married to a fraud xD In all that time I have seen a therapist only once and for the rest of it remained dealing with stuff on my own.

Oh, and I did well! I got rid of the fraud husband somehow quick and without much damage. Found the most incredible and realest person on this planet to not just love me, but accept and support me as I am. All Bipolar and fucked.

We are strong in our third year of long distance relationship and with his support I managed to raise from a low profile job as a cleaner in a hospital to be the head of a workers council with all benefits a leading position can offer.

I’ve got a nice three room apartment office, newest technology to work with – went on a workshop to Berlin by plane with my son on company expenses – have proven myself as a competent leader and there is no one of my skill and knowledge even in the management rank. Whatever problem there is, I not just got the solution but I also win to have all requests fullfilled.

So, the question might be: okay girl, you are dope and showing off – what you want?

I found myself dying. That’s what it’s about. I have ignored myself and the pain meant to feel after losing everything I have known and I did not accept to have been damaged from abuse. I believed it wasn’t a big thing or I wanted it to be that way and in this completely new environment it was an easy thing to not have anyone know shit about me.

I started working in this company 2013 and have eversince functioned as the one caring and dealing about the problems of other people. I was so welcome as the good soul, made friends easily and people wouldn’t reject my advise or service because they learned I’m secure to depend on.

I have hugged and cheered up so many crying women, taking their weight of their shoulders and fighting for all of our rights – it became epidemic.

It was the most fatal decision ever to run for the position as part of this council and even more severe to become the head of it.

Now I am being the target of another obsessive posessive man, stalking and hunting me down, analyzing my very self while I have not ever taken a break to care about my well being. Became the number one subject of hate for all of those struggeling with my sudden success and of course the position as head of the workers council itself requires a lot of mental strength because CEO and management are not happy to have someone interfere in their business. Does it even need to be mentioned as a woman in a men’s ruled environment, working is not a nice thing?

Oh and add my landlords disrespecting my privacy, sending me shitty letters with redicioulous demands because they figured as a single mother working fulltime I do not have much energy left to write aggressive letters in return?

And that I have to get so many things done to prepare all needed documents, etc for my intended wedding in march? xD

I’m dying people, no kidding. The second I leave the house I’m so fucking afraid of the simplest things, while every social interaction feels like a beating. I’m running and functioning without any recognizable weakness at least 12 hours a day, anticipating nothing but returning home just to lay on my couch praying for silence with those dogs from upstairs never quitting their barking :v

I reached a point where I need to shut off. There is no one I can help at this moment. I’m out of order for ya’ll.

Thanks to God I was smart enough to admit this to myself and reached out for help. There is nothing bad about help. So, I’m now starting to heal myself, admitting that I have great wounds and damages and every once in a while, I will share progress and experience as I feel on this journey.

Welcome to another chapter of myselfcustomized ❤

P.S.: For those cheering because they hate me and were intending to break me: Fuck you – I’m only recharging and you will get more reasons to hate me, wait for that