Own Your Life – How Mentors Serve Your Internal Motivation

Faced with life’s obstacles, we tend to perceive ourselves as alone on the battlefield, often ignoring our available allies. Mentors and Coaches which are waiting on the outskirts, ready to spark our internal motivation and serve us with proven strategies for success.

It doesn’t take much to look around and see that the majority of us are somehow struggling with life.

Most of us are simply functioning on demand based on what we perceive to be required, but not much driven by any actual internal motivation.

Life seems hard and it indeed may be, especially once we lose ourselves in the traps we set up and call responsibilities.

Our families, relationships, jobs, chores, bills – everything our lives consist of regularly seems to turn against us – more so ruining our pleasure than adding to it.

We go around meeting people as if stepping onto an audition stage, ready to receive a rating and criticism of our performance.

Which is why our internal motivation is not really driven by our own aspirations anymore, but rather by aiming for the validation of our act.

That’s how we get lost, experiencing life as a battle. 

Needless to say that living this way, we take a lot of hits and collect a lot of injuries. Which are limiting our overall mobility and wellbeing and thus making life even harder than it was to begin with.

Nowadays we call these injuries burnout, anxiety, or depression.

To fight on our own when already injured, does not serve the probability of a victory and is a great motivation killer.

The Best Ally Is A Mentor Or Coach

The best ally when attempting to make your claim in order to own your life again, is a Mentor or Coach who is trained to spark and feed your internal motivation to do so.

Still, while in battle or competition mode, many of us are refusing to approach Life Coaches, Counselors or Trainers. We do this because we often interpret the presentation of those services as a huge ego show.

While really that’s not what it is.

To be yourself in a world full of prefixed expectations, where we are literally raised and taught to do and be what we’re asked – it can be incredibly scary to take the first step out of this perception bubble.

No one’s really daring to just escape an established belief system without a sense of safety and reassurance of the possible outcome of this enterprise.

So, we are in the need of forbearers.

People who have already dared to break out of mental limitations to not only share with us their vision of what can be, but also provide us with a road map on how to get there.

Don’t Think “Competition”

Don’t think of possible allies as competition.

Mentors & Coaches are not sharing their accomplishments to say, “Look at me and now be the same.”

We’re merely sharing our experiences to reassure you of possibilities. 

To perceive and discount this work as self-exposition is contrary to the actual intention, which is to assist you on your own path towards self-realization.

Instead, this is why you should want to team up with someone who has already successfully pursued the quest you are currently on. To not only benefit from their experience but to also gain access to the tools which have already proven to be effective.

Strong allies are supporting the success of your mission.

For Mentors will be assisting you in self-exploration and guiding you towards self-recognition. They will enable you to decide what it is you want to approach as your next step towards self-realization.

All the while firing your internal motivation.

Reclaim Yourself: Own Your Life

Self-exploration is the beginning of reclaiming yourself and the foundation of how to own your life.

Because to own it, we have to become transparent.

We have to dig out our true selves from underneath the layers of our long worn camouflage and to have compassion for what we find.

But this is often easier said than done.

We’re so good at hiding, that we might not know what to look for and so we already struggle with how to begin.

Or, we may even be afraid of finding something we do not like, because we can’t yet figure how to love it.

Self-exploration can be a bit complicated – I’ll admit that.

We want to get it right – even be right.

“But how do we be right and still be fine with all of our flaws?”

A great question, which is in fact an aspect you may want your Allies – Mentors and Coaches – to assist you with.

Because you already are right and you already are okay, no matter what you are doing or have done.

You might just need someone to hold up a mirror to help you recognize this.

When The Magic Happens

The magic happens once you refrain from believing that you should be, and can only be, one thing all of the time.

I keep telling my friends and clients: It’s even okay to be a sarcastic jerk sometimes, if that is what you want, and as long as it is causing you pleasure without harming anyone. 

I am a jerk sometimes myself and not too afraid to demonstrate this. Somehow many people still think in order to be fulfilled we need to be flawless – while really that’s not even possible.

You Will Always Face Criticism

Another thing to become aware of on your Quest To Own Your Life, is to know that you will always face criticism.

It doesn’t matter if you humble yourself down or if you put yourself out there as the beautiful creation you are. You can be the most caring person and still someone’s going to question/doubt/condemn your intentions. 

To own your life and maintain internal motivation, you have to be aware that you cannot control what others think of you and learn that it is still okay to be who you are and make the choices you do.

A very good example for this understanding here, is the concept of parenting

As a parent – no matter how much you love and care about your kids – whatever you apply to their protection will be perceived as a limitation.

The baby you keep away from the electric output, will think of you as an oppressor. 

You take away from your kids the stuff which can hurt them and that makes you a Monster.

And this really applies to literally every relationship and social encounter.

You will never fit in entirely.

You will never experience utter sympathy. 

Cheer For Yourself

The world is never going to cheer for you all along your way, but that’s okay.

You can do the cheering for yourself

As you are the only one truly aware of what you are intending and accomplishing with that intention in mind.

Thus the only and shortest route towards fulfillment and happiness, is to shift your focus within and not allow any outside factors to have an impact on your decisions. 

Because every external opinion which you try to fit, is nothing but a wall for you to hit.

Also, once you stop relying on other people’s opinions, you can be almost certain that some people will call this “conceit”. But again, be aware that this is yet another attempt to sneak their opinions into your perception.

Do you see the trick here?

That doesn’t mean everyone is malevolent or does so with intention, most people are simply totally unaware of what they are doing, and even perceive their utterances and opinions as shared with their best interest. 

We’re all entirely different, that’s the thing.

Add To The Diversity! Own Your Life Today!

Add to the diversity!

Own your life today!

And always remember, should you ever lack internal motivation, try teaming up with a Mentor and let them cheer for you where you do not feel like cheering for yourself.

We are not your competition but your partner.

Check out Myselfcustomized if you want to see what you can do right now to improve your Life`s Experience – by yourself, or with the help of one of our Coaches.

It’s all your choice!

What are your experiences with mentoring or coaching? Share with us in the comments below!

Meta Description — Do you feel lost? Join us and find out how to Own Your Life, and how Mentors can make great Allies – firing your internal motivation by serving as examples.

Celebrate Solitude To Fire Up Your Intrinsic Reward System

Are you currently struggling to find much to like about your life, or even yourself? 

Maybe you’re wondering how other people can seriously be so happy and satisfied doing what they do? While doing exactly the same for yourself does not add much to your own pleasure?

If this is the case, you may want to up your intrinsic rewards game ASAP! 

I just know too well what life can look like for someone who has not yet figured out how to be friends with themselves.

There is simply too much pressure.

Here, life as a whole can seem as if it consists of too many things we do not enjoy.

Getting up in the morning at an hour where we would never choose to leave bed, for example, if this decision were ours to make.

Or sacrificing our precious energy to complete tasks society is expecting of us. 

There are a lot of things we do to experience some kind of acceptance, but in return bring us nothing but an even greater feeling of rejection from within.

This is Not Life’s Purpose

Living this way is boring and tiring and really so far from Life’s Purpose.

You are feeling drained and exhausted for the best of all reasons!

Imagine your emotional state as a hard-knock on your door, with the Universe saying: “You’re not currently being what you were made to be!”

Because really your emotions are your internal guiding system!

What you are experiencing, are society’s made up conventions and expectations, pulling on your left arm, while your life as it was originally intended to be, pulls on the right.

Once you picture this, you can see that with these two forces working on you, there’s no getting anywhere.

To free yourself from their grip you will have to pick one of them to work with.

But which side do you choose?

That’s a tricky question which might be a bit frightening at first.

So, I guess it would be a good thing to take a look at how you’ve possibly gotten yourself into all this in the first place.

Shall we?

My Condition, Your Condition, Everyone’s Conditioning

As children we were born perfectly aware of our internal guiding system. 

We followed our emotional compass intuitively until we were told that “life ain’t all fun and cakes”.

Once we were introduced to what we now know as responsibility and conventions, we were not only ordered to ignore our internal alarms but to totally override our emotions in order to always act accordingly.

You can bet our parents and teachers had a very hard time teaching us how to be-have because it required nothing less than to rewire our brains!

As children, or let’s say “untweaked humans”, we were expressing our emotions without a filter and only attempted to participate in what served us intrinsic rewards.

But when our parents perceived any action as unwanted, they proceeded to add an unpleasant experience to it.

And on the other side of this coin we were being paid off, or let`s even say bribed. To behave in a specific way or to engage in unwanted activities, in exchange for extrinsic rewards.

The reality of this is conditioning and it’s nothing less than brainwashing.

Have you ever heard something like – “No one is responsible for your condition except yourself?”

Well, now you know that’s a lie.

But please do not feel tempted to now point your finger and blame. It’s not going to get you anywhere.

Rather, use this knowledge to identify and kick out all external opinions your current self-perception may still be relying upon. And regard this when/while raising your own children.

At least by now there should be no more mystery as to why you’re feeling the way you do.

Moving forward, the good news is: 

Life Is All Fun And Cakes

Life is all fun and cakes!

You just don’t happen to get any because of the crowd you’ve created in your head, standing in line in front of you.

As long as your intrinsic rewards system is not properly set up, you’ll keep on relying on extrinsic rewards – including how you’re being rated by others.

Your parents, your teachers, your friends, your colleagues, your superiors, your partner and possibly even your favorite barista. Not to forget all your invisible observers on social media! 

What I want you to see, is that the cake is there, always. 

In this analogy the cake represents your intrinsic rewards.

The people in line are all getting their pieces, and you are serving them with your aim for acceptance, allowing everyone else to step ahead of you. 

Which is why you never get to taste the cake yourself.

But instead have a lot of tags to pictures of it on Instagram as thanks for your hostility.

Do those pictures feed you?

Or do they leave you craving the sugary sweetness even more?

You see, aiming for recognition and extrinsic rewards is useless when the goal is an honest happiness.

The truth is, they’re adding to our misery just the same as they are leading us to give ourselves away for no real benefit whatsoever.

Become Friends With Yourself

So, “what to do?”, you may be asking.

The answer to this can only be one thing — to put yourself first!

I do not mean you should go around from now on and be selfish, but rather that you should detox from your dependency on external valuation.

Which means you need to become friends with yourself, first, and to spend some time on your own.

Solitude is not loneliness

As a therapist and life coach, a great number of people I’m working with have one thing in common: They do not know what to do with themselves while spending time on their own.

Unaware that the feeling of loneliness and boredom, are actually nothing but withdrawal symptoms of an addiction to recognition.

Many of us have forgotten how to exist without an audience.

We follow a belief which pretty much equates to thinking that a falling tree doesn’t make a sound if there’s no one there to observe it. 

But you do not really disappear or turn mute when there is no one around, do you?

Try to imagine how much happier you could possibly be, if all this time spent alone in agony and inactivity, could be turned into a time of pleasure and joy!

All you have to do to get this, is to recognize yourself and to feed yourself off of intrinsic rewards, instead of only gaining a sense of significance via external recognition.

And you can bet that I wouldn’t be writing this if I didn’t have an example to serve this exact topic.

The patterns we don’t see

In my life I had quite a couple of phases when I didn’t know what to do with myself.

One of which was during my first marriage.

My husband was regularly working abroad, meaning I had a lot of time to spend in solitude. Staying home wearing sweatpants, hair undone, chilling on the couch watching Bollywood Movies.

Sometimes I would even extend my sleep to shorten my days, because there was nothing much to fill them with

And to be absolutely honest, I didn’t even eat properly because I didn’t see any sense in cooking for myself, nor did I feel much like keeping the apartment in a proper condition.

Which all was the total opposite of how I was when my husband was around.

When he was with me, I would wake up early in the morning before he did, put on some nice clothes and even get my make-up done.

I was baking bread for breakfast, preparing tea with fresh peppermint leaves in fancy glasses, kept the house tidy – even ensuring a consistently nice scent – and would dance to my favorite music while preparing three course dinners.

Written down like this, it is easy to see that I was relying on recognition and didn’t know anything about intrinsic rewards.

The fun part: back then I didn’t even recognize my patterns and needed someone else to point out my dependency.

Treat Yourself Like A Guest

My brother had been staying over for some weeks, which we partly spent with my husband home, before he again had to leave for work.

And because my brother was like an extension of myself, someone I would fear no judgement from, I didn’t change anything about my behavioral patterns and slid straight into apathy with him around.

He was observing for three days how everything was going down and then addressed what he had observed in the best conversation I have ever had in my life.

“Why don’t you love yourself?” he asked.

“How can you do this to yourself? Do you really hate yourself so much, that you have to let yourself rott when there is no one to throw you a bone for what you can do?”

I will never forget this, for the rest of my life.

He drew a perfect picture of what I was doing and explained how I had based my entire existence around a dependence on external rewards and recognition.

As a result, I came to this conclusion — Treat yourself like a guest and do for yourself what you do to please everyone else.

Boom!

Trust me, follow this advice and you will have your intrinsic rewards counter going through the roof.

Celebrate Me-Time

Celebrate your me-time and be the king or queen of your castle.

Set your alarm 15 minutes prior to the time you have to get up, put on your headphones and listen to some party beats before getting your feet on the ground.

Drink a really nice coffee from a beautiful cup. Add sprinkles to it if you want to. Whatever you do, just make sure every sip is something to enjoy.

Rearrange your home in such a way that it serves you nothing but comfort and pleasure, and not as it might be best presentable.

Build yourself a blanket fort, if you like to.

Put your own art and photos on display, so you can always see what you do and who you are.

Prepare your bed like a hotel bed every day, so when you go to sleep you feel like you’re on a vacation. And yes, you can even leave a small treat on your pillow – you absolutely deserve it.

Be naked and eat Nutella from the jar.

Why not?

Learn something new which you have absolutely no clue about yet.

Even if you fail a million times, with no one watching, it doesn’t matter.

Instead be proud of yourself and imagine how you will show off those new skills once you have figured everything out.

Sing out loud.

Talk to yourself nicely.

Remember what you did as a teenager when your parents weren’t home.

Your Reward Is Freedom

In solitude your reward is freedom. 

Use this time to play pretend for your own entertainment. Take a break from the act of make believe, which is pretty much everything we do when surrounded by others.

Also, take advantage of the fact that there’s no one to judge, no rules and no have-to’s. 

This is the time when you can be and do what you want to.

And if you still don’t know what this might be: Think of what you would do to entertain a beloved guest and then browse Pinterest.

Once you find out how to enjoy yourself, that feeling will keep on serving you while tackling your responsibilities and will silently drive you to break free from societal conventions.

That’s the magic of intrinsic rewards. It’s like fuel which never burns out.

Start celebrating yourself now!

How do you spend your time in solitude? Are you already friends with yourself? Let us know in the comments below.

Meta-Description: Say goodbye to loneliness today and see how celebrating your solitude can turn into an endless source of intrinsic rewards.

Myselfcustomized

There are very few of us walking these grounds – hidden and unrecognized – cuz we are not what they are. We are like messages from another world, written in a foreign language for no one to translate. Cuz we are not for them. We are keepers. And they track us, hunt us and beat us. They use, abuse and hurt us. For they know they are sinners and the promise we keep appears as their end…